Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wanted; A New Mother
"Tut-tut" you say, "The old bean 's finally cracked after all." Actually, I doubt you'd really say that, but then, your pretty unpredictable aren't you?
But on with my advertisement... (ad-VER-tis-ment, not ad-ver-TIS-ment, get what I mean?) I am on the lookout for a new mother. My reasons for getting rid of my old one may seem rather petty to you, but really, were simply not compatible anymore. It's not that I haven't been tolerant; for years I have bitten my lip and put up with her un-needed advise on what I wear and watch and read ( I have been compared to Cindy Lauper more than once, no joke!) I have abided the unappetizing site of green alien-like mold, which she has the audacity to call "Kombocha" on the counter, I have even strenuously labored through all the textbooks, programs, homework etc. which she is convinced I cannot possibly function in life without. Today, the straw on the camel's back was broken when I sent her an Email. The title read "Speechless" and the Email said "If you wish to make me eternally happy you shall buy me this." - the picture included in this advertisement. As you can imagine, I was infatuated. My old mother's reply? "Get off the computer and make cookies." I was, really, at that point speechless. To have my own mother brush to the side so easily my latest love is simply unacceptable.
The position is up for grabs now, the pay is good and the terms are easy. The only application you will need to fill is your name, on the order form for this Tee-shirt. I look forward to meeting you soon, Mom!
Mother will have to pay in advance for all rooming, boarding,education, groom and care of said teen. Mother takes full responsibility for any and all public embarrassments, sugar rushes, grocery-store outbursts, ridiculous blogs or outfits, etc. Mother is required to minister late-night counseling session and anytime talks of encouragement to teen on a daily basis. Areas in which encouragement will be required are self-image, school, emotions,theology, epistemology, haircuts and boys. Mother will have to put up with being called "Witch", "Witch-Hazel" ,"Witchy-poo" ,"Puff N' Stuff" or anything to the effect that teen designates for her. Mother will be required to obtain extensive knowledge of the Muppets, Looney tunes, Doctor Who, Sponge-bob Square pants, Mystery Science Theater 300, etc. Mother takes full responsibility and blame for any and all happenings of un-desirable consequence in teen's lifetime. Mother is not entitled to any compensation and/or gratitude for fulfillment of duties.