Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Wanted; A New Mother

"Tut-tut" you say, "The old bean 's finally cracked after all." Actually, I doubt you'd really say that, but then, your pretty unpredictable aren't you?

But on with my advertisement... (ad-VER-tis-ment, not ad-ver-TIS-ment, get what I mean?) I am on the lookout for a new mother. My reasons for getting rid of my old one may seem rather petty to you, but really, were simply not compatible anymore. It's not that I haven't been tolerant; for years I have bitten my lip and put up with her un-needed advise on what I wear and watch and read ( I have been compared to Cindy Lauper more than once, no joke!) I have abided the unappetizing site of green alien-like mold, which she has the audacity to call "Kombocha" on the counter, I have even strenuously labored through all the textbooks, programs, homework etc. which she is convinced I cannot possibly function in life without. Today, the straw on the camel's back was broken when I sent her an Email. The title read "Speechless" and the Email said "If you wish to make me eternally happy you shall buy me this." - the picture included in this advertisement. As you can imagine, I was infatuated. My old mother's reply? "Get off the computer and make cookies." I was, really, at that point speechless. To have my own mother brush to the side so easily my latest love is simply unacceptable.
The position is up for grabs now, the pay is good and the terms are easy. The only application you will need to fill is your name, on the order form for this Tee-shirt. I look forward to meeting you soon, Mom!

Mother will have to pay in advance for all rooming, boarding,education, groom and care of said teen. Mother takes full responsibility for any and all public embarrassments, sugar rushes, grocery-store outbursts, ridiculous blogs or outfits, etc. Mother is required to minister late-night counseling session and anytime talks of encouragement to teen on a daily basis. Areas in which encouragement will be required are self-image, school, emotions,theology, epistemology, haircuts and boys. Mother will have to put up with being called "Witch", "Witch-Hazel" ,"Witchy-poo" ,"Puff N' Stuff" or anything to the effect that teen designates for her. Mother will be required to obtain extensive knowledge of the Muppets, Looney tunes, Doctor Who, Sponge-bob Square pants, Mystery Science Theater 300, etc. Mother takes full responsibility and blame for any and all happenings of un-desirable consequence in teen's lifetime. Mother is not entitled to any compensation and/or gratitude for fulfillment of duties.


Donna Scott said...

Very funny! LOL And very well written. You are such a talented teenager and surely deserve the T-shirt you wanted. :) But, I have enough of my own kids...sorry. Love you though!

Christina said...

So????? Where are the cookies? ;-)

Brianna said...

that was very good if you would like i will by you the shirt as a bff anniversary and if you would like you make come and live with me lol

p.s. you left out one zero in mystery theater 3000

Bruce said...

I thought that was a pre-requisite for ALL mothers? Are there some out there that do not have to take all blame and abuse? If yours is giving you up, I'll take on the job. I've done it before and survived, well sort of...Love You, Nina

Rebecca said...

As long as there is free babysitting involved, I'm game. You can come live at my house. ;)

wb4kvz said...

Yummy I like cookies.

wb4kvz said...

Ordinarily in the stories the cookies are sent to grandmothers we will be expecting some cookies (really yummy ones too!)