Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Space Jam- Whatever The Heck That's Supposed to Mean
Dear people whom I admire and enjoy; I have done it again.
I was being good, trying to write a nice cutesy post about my sister's quirks- and I got bored. It's not that they don't have quirks (Lord help us) but when your so used to them...
Well anyway I got bored. So I started wiki-ing Looney Tunes movies, basically hoping I would find a good featurette sequel to "Back in Action" to trash or something. Boy, was I naive. what I discovered was an odd looking 90's hit called "Space Jam". Space Jam? It doesn't even mention the Looney Tunes! But who am I to question?
I stared at the paragraph that attempts to described the plot for about thirty minutes, and it still didn't make a lick of sense. Something about an amusement park and short aliens and some guy named Micheal Jordan and basketball. "Oh the heck with it!" my foolish brain spouted "Let's just watch the darn thing!" So I looked it up on surfthechannel and, sure enough, some jerk had put it up there.
I almost don't think it's right to call this a review, since I didn't actually watch the whole thing, I sort of browsed scene by scene. I couldn't stand it. It was like going into Wal-mart to buy a video game for the cool sleepover your about to have and then you come out and everyone's been turned into apes and they all start throwing poop at you at once and your video game gets eaten by the group of kid's you were supposed to play it with. It sucked like "Lima beans in nasty sauce!" as Mr. Bird once said. It was the most incoherent, suckish, typical, predictable, cheap flim-flam of a movie I ever didn't watch. And since I'm so steamed that couldn't possibly write about my sisters in a non-violent way, I've managed to narrow the experience down to this for you;
There is a mean alien (who looks strangely like the evil dog from "All Dogs Go To Heaven") who sends a bunch of bug-like aliens down to Earth to capture the Looney Tunes to become attractions for his theme park. The aliens challenge to LT gang to some kind of competition and the LTs pick Basket ball because the bugs are short. Meanwhile Micheal Jordan ( a Basketball star...I guess, I was two) decides to drop out of his career and do baseball, which was his father's dream for him, blah blah blah. The only two themes I know of for a sports movie are motivation and the brains Vs. bronze thing. The aliens suck the talent out of the other NBA stars, and begin to kick the LT's badly-animated butts. Obviously, M.J. shows up to save the day. Ect, ect, ect. And it's all done to the horribly overused rappy-pop songs of 1996, the sure sign of a instantly balding bomber.
The Real Deal;
Warner Brothers is drowning in a pile of plastic Mickey Mouse ears, and Micheal Jordan is really big right now. Icksnay-ergo, a ridiculous film with no conceivable plot in which they try to enhance the LT's popularity by pairing them with one of the current biggest names in sports. Who, not surprisingly, can't act to save his talented life.
What Actually Filtered Through To The Only Guy Who Liked This Movie;
"Wow, that Micheal Jordan is so cool! And he's got some new mascots! A rabbit and a duck and...I think those are fish...cool, I'm gonna share this on facebook! Oh, yeah, I can't because it's 1996. Crud. Well, the KFC bathrooms aren't gonna clean themselves!"
Uhm...well...Porky Pig has some lines...you'd think that would be a plus...grant it, he doesn't sound like Porky Pig...
1. All of the above, plus the re-inclusion of Lola bunny, a character we all thought (and hoped) dead after "Loony Tunes Babies" finally went off syndication.
2. It would appear that nothing actually takes place in space.
3. Newman from "Sienfield" tries to play a good...or semi good...character, and anyone who tries that is crispy-over-rice insane. Maybe they just figured Daffy Duck was too nasty to be competed with...
4. The voices suck, and it's not because Mel Blanc is old. It's because he's dead, and WB does not care enough to find a good replacement at this point.
So there you have it, I recommend this movie about as much as I recommend rolling in poop. I hardly have the heart to say it, but that's...all....folks...
P.S. Don't watch this film! I'm just reminding you, in case I wasn't clear. I got my haircut! YAY! Pictures will come at sometime in the near future.
P.P.S. I'm really glad I can just watch this online. I am really glad that I did not pay money to see this. Because I probably would have left the theater looking like this;