Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Man Who Knew Stuff

And Now....

From the inner santum-ish depths of Alfred Hitchock, I bring you a 1935 thriller.....


Wow. I hate thinking up beginnings to these things.

Well first off, I'll tell you how I came to be watching a 1935 Hitchcock. I'm not a brave person when it comes to movies, I'm really not. And I have enough brains to know that turning on an ancient movie that's been on the freeplay for so long I'm liable to end up banging my cranium against a blunt object to rid myself of intense boredom. However, that night ( many moons ago, I wrote this post back in the days of no internet. Well, less internet) I was feeling especially brave, and with Ruby, a cozy blanket and some popcorn I figured I couldn't go wrong with any movie. I turned on "The Man Who Knew Too Much" from a million other Hitchcocks just off the very slightly interesting fact that it was Peter Lorre's ( I told you we would be seeing a lot of him, poor people) second film and first in Britain, so he didn't know any English and learned his lines phonetically. No, not really enough to keep attention if the movie became really boring (which I might as well tell you, it did) but it still enabled us to add some clever quips during the really confusing parts, when the wonderful Mr. Hitchcock seems to lapse into his own little world and knowing English doesn't help a bit.

Basically, the movie follows the adventures of some high-life family unfortunate enough to make friends with a French spy- just in time to see him get knocked of. Even more unfortunate is when the spy passes on some vital information about a planned assassination (read it again, that rhymed) to them, prompting the baddies (predictably Peter Lorre) to kidnap their daughter in order to ensure their silence. And so, the lovely wife, her not-so-lovely husband, and some weirdo with a greasy mustache who apparently lives in their house set out to prevent the killing and rescue their daughter. I mentioned the boring, which isn't really as bad as may be expected from something this ancient. I also mentioned that some scenes tend to spiral into utter confusion, like an interestingly random chair-throwing sequence and some weirdness about skiing in the alps. To add a few to the list of cons, nobody in the two Alfred you-know-who's I've seen seem to know what dying or taking a bullet looks like. Not that I do, but I would assume that when being shot and dying slowly one would experience some kind of pain and perhaps exclaim or express this in voice or facial expression, however in Hitchcock the process seems to be to look down, notice the bullet hole and slowly fall asleep, whenever it is comfortable and convenient.

So there you have it. I really wish I had some funny pictures to post except this next one, which is a freakishly and realistically sad idea of what Peter Lorre looked like in "The Man Who Knew Too Much" by my (quote from her) "lovable, adoring sister Ruby..." And before you scroll down I would like all of you with weak hearts to leave and the rest to take a deep breath because this thing can be pretty horrifying;

Yeah, I'm sorry. The utter and complete terror that you are experiencing is a completely normal human emotion, so you may feel free to scream. The repugnance is only increased by the fact that the monstrosity has no neck or head and is floating on a field of ghostly white. Thanks Ruby, now my entire readership are going to be reduced to panicky weirdos who lock themselves in their houses and huddle under their covers for fear that the zombie of Peter Lorre will come and eat them. And as much as I can't think of any reason why she would do such a thing, I am equally perplexed about my mental condition when I assembled this;

It's a collection of Peter Lorre's caricature's in various cartoons, and yes, Ren is one of them. It was originally meant to be funny. I even added the little "Coming to get you" thing in order to make it seem like an effort in humor. But it's not. It's scary and I'm beginning to fear that my blog will become a place that people stumble upon to and are instantly taken aback by the fact that it looks like a Peter Lorre fan club. I just thought it was interesting that there were that many children's cartoons terrorized by the image of Peter Lorre. Sorry again.

P.S. I know what your thinking, and yes, I do a lot besides sit around and think up ways to publicly humiliate a guy who's been dead for 50 years.

P.P.S. I didn't even give you a recommendation. Yes, watch it. It probably won't entertain you but at least if you survive you'll know your tough enough to take any old movie I can dish at you, plus it's great for riffing like your an MST3K expert. And another thing; Blogger did it again. I don't even have to say. Thank you blogger. Not.


Christina said...

So... I Googled Peter Lorre fan club and I found this blog. ;-)

VWbugnut said...

>indescribable horror<

VWbugnut said...

>indescribable horror<

VWbugnut said...

>indescribable horror<

VWbugnut said...

And more indescribable horror.