A Review Without An Introduction Even Though It Needs One

Last night I watched Secret Agent.

You know, the universe amazes me. See, My viewpoint was that if Peter Lorre ever donned a mustache and became a womanizer, reality would implode. I guess its a lot stronger than I thought it was.

So while my eyes are still burning from that, I bring you my humble opinion on a movie that, although from a very famous director and, at least, is full of promise plot-wise, is really better left lost in antiquity. It attempts to explore the moral dilemmas of a team of elite agents- lead by Ashington, a stuffy British soldier who returns from war to find that the government has declared him dead, and is re-assigned as a...you know, secret agent. His gorgeous confident assistant, blonde Elsa, and the assassin of the of group; short ,creepy, MUSTACHIEOD Peter Lorre. I'd like to tell you his name in the picture but for no apparent reason other than to frustrate and befuddle ME they make his name impossible to catch, in the beginning calling him by the nickname "the hairless Mexican" (thank the good sweet Lord in heaven that he is not actually bald and doesn't try to fain a Spanish accent), he introduces himself throughout the picture by some long belated name that thanks to his thick Hungarian lilt I can't even try to understand, and just to confuse things everybody calls him the "general". I feel thoroughly Vertigo-ed, thanks Alfred.

So anyway, the team's mission is to find and eliminate a German spy on his way into enemy territory, which leads them into a kind of who-dunnit and eventually, the moral dilemma I mentioned when the spy turns out to be a kindly old man with a wife and dog.

Although some scenes are well-done (crispy on the outside and soft and chewy within, tee hee) like the dark train ride through enemy territory and an interesting shot inside a Swedish bell-tower, while others- for example the ridiculous Mt. Climbing thing and the SPOILERS* (well like 75 years ago) train wreck sequence at the end are cheesy to just plain confusing. I don't mean to pick bones with the dead, especially Alfred Hitchcock- cause for some reason I got it in my mind he'd be a freaky zombie- but it's a movie that can leave you laughing, bored, or interested, depending on how accepting you are of this genre of film-making.

And how accepting you are of a woman-chasing Peter Lorre in a mustache, which by the way, I'm not.

Now I had developed some really cool "Secret Agent Character Files" (which yes, you wouldn't have gotten unless you'd seen the film, but hey, they made me laugh) to put up, but unfortunately I fell under the very flawed impression that because it worked on notepad it would copy and paste to blogger without a hitch. It's easy to see where I went wrong. So unless I sit down and type the whole thing out for you again, you will never get to discuss Ashington's snobbiness on a scale of 1 to 10 or the General's bad habit of leaving LOADED PISTOLS next to German spies. And I'm feeling rather lazy to day. Bummer for you.

P.S. You- may have noticed that mt internet is back. Hooray! And you lucky people are in for treat as I have at least five reviews written and more on their way, so keep checking back!

P.P.S. On the off chance that you were actually looking for a helpful review (in which case you are on the wrong blog) I found one here if you scroll all the way to the bottom at the first member review. I read it and I have to say, I have been outdone. This guy thoroughly exams the movie, actors, sets, plots, pros, cons, etc. accurately (well, he forgets to mention the mustache). And while were with guest reviewers, the "Little Wierdo" (AKA Jonathan Hartzell, who named himself, I'm not being mean) is quoted to have said "Watch this movie just for the sake of saying you did. Or something to that effect..." Whereas Natalie has been quoted to have said "Disregard anything the Little Wierdo says." But I happen to agree with him. It's not the kind of movie I suggest rushing out to see, but it won't kill you, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So yes, if you happen to find this one free or on the Instant Queue or something, watch it. And then we can both snicker over my character files. Thank you.