Monday, January 31, 2011

5:00 and Porky Pig

It's five O' clock, time for the depression to begin!

Sometimes I love being a 15-year-old-girl. Who wouldn't? I'm young and healthy, I'm responsible enough to do most of the things in society and just below all the worries and duties of adult life. That rocks, it really does- I know this and acknowledge it a lot. I have an awesome home, awesome parents and awesome sense of identity, so why do I so often complain about depression? Because this is a part of it, this is the mark of the transition from childhood to adulthood. Suddenly, all the things I was never worried about as a child come crowding in to scare me, things that were just vague problems for the future that seemed millions of years away as a kid are now right there- preventing me from enjoying this awesome life to the full.
I have anxiety issues. I am scared of everything; cars, planes, elevators, darkness, horror movies, food poisoning- just about anything that could potentially harm me in any way poses a huge threat to my ability to operate in reality. And it gets worse. I lay awake in bed at night, listening to what I think is some kind of rumbling or unexplainable shift in nature that signals it all breaking down- the end of the world. I don't even want to write about it. It is my biggest-if not my only- problem right now. And I'm done with it. I'm done with not reading the news because I don't want to hear about the problems with this country. I'm done with skipping trips to places because I hate car rides in the dark. And I'm done with not reading my daily Bible for fear they will throw in a verse from Revelations. I read it once, a few chapters, tried to face my fear, walked around all day on verge of hysterics. Dad and I had a long talk about it the other day in the car, he helped me out too- he said it was all in my head, not to worry- and I believed him. For like three days nothing in the world worried me, and I was having an awesome time. And now here I am, low on sleep, rainy day, Dad's at work and the same old things are keeping me from enjoying the evening.
I'm just gonna pray. Ignore this chemical imbalance or whatever it is. Watch an MST3K, read stories to the kids, search for Volkswagen parts on the internet. Depression is not going to win this time.

P.S. Oh yeah, Porky pig. I meant this to be cheerfull, I was like "I'll write a happy post about porky Pig and it will help! Well it isn't cheerful, it's a emotion-fest. but somehow it still helps. Anyway, I love porky Pig. The guy is just darn adorable. Dad has given his consent to the marriage.
P.P.S. I also meant to review "Toy Story 3". maybe I'll do that tonight, if the MST3K plan doesn't work out.

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