Tuesday, June 7, 2011

All Thwough The Night

Look..... It's DANNY KAYE!!

That is to wash the bad taste out of your mouth that's been given to you thanks to the seemingly endless string of Peter Lorre photo's going down on this blog. I just got it networked, which means I now have a Facebook page, and I realized that my last post (disregarding the one by Isabel), nay my last several posts, are simply chocked full of Peter you-know-who's pictures. I'm sure all you facebookians were oh so appreciative of that. The picture of Danny is also my little way of apologizing for not blogging sooner. (I love this idea, from now on, all my apologies are going to come in the form of a photo of Danny Kaye texted to someone's phone or posted to their fb wall. My theory being that eventually this way, I will have no friends left to apologize to) The first few weeks my excuse was a sincere one, as I was deep in the bowls of an educational pit I had dug for my self by not preparing for my final exam sooner. But after the finals were over, on the 3rd, I found myself so relieved, so free, and so not-caught-up on my movie reviewing that the mere idea of putting together a coherent block of wording for any reason whatsoever of my own free will was unfathomable. "After all," I figured, "I haven't blogged, emailed, or facebooked in awhile, maybe they'll just assume me dead, and go on with their lives never knowing what happened to me..."
But then I remembered that I don't blog by public demand, I blog because it's fun for me. And the realization that it had been so long since I blogged and no one said anything about it, even though you'd think that would be less motivation, did nothing but transform my subconscious into a bitter monster that will now blog and make you read every single post because I feel so utterly betrayed. Or maybe I'm just bored. You'll never, ever know.
So I'm now finally going to take time out from doing nothing to bring you a movie that I rented, watched and sent back at least a month ago, and never actually reviewed anyway besides concocting the dictionary guide which will be enclosed. And before you get your hopes up, it does have Peter Lorre in it, but not in a starring role. I decided the best way to cope with the unending string of his movies and their reviews was just to bite my lip and mention him as a member of the cast with no snarky comments about size, looks, or creepiness, before I get sued by his surviving family members, burned at the stake by some creepy fan club of his, or the zombie of the long dead movie star comes back and strangles me in my sleep. That's actually the least scary of the three, since he's pretty dang short and being an old dude when he died.....snap, I'm doing it again.
But anyway, as I'm sure you'll be grateful, I'll now try and get to the review. Our movie this week (I have no better introduction, darn it) is called "All Through the Night" and the title of the post, rather than being a typo, which wouldn't be super-surprising, is a reference to our lovely leading lady. But she's unimportant as I'm about to mention our leading man- HUMPHREY BOGART!!! I want to make that sound as cool as possible since it's gonna have to make up for a lot of other stuff, like plot and coherence and acting and climax...

But don't let me drop before I dish. Whatever that means.

This movie is one of those wonderfully predictable and yet cozy patriotic attempts on the part of Warner brothers. Made in 1942, it embodies the spirit of America during the time when even hardened criminals like gangsters were so much better than Nazis, you could make a whole movie about it. And who to lead the ball in the greatest face-off since ninjas and pirates? No one but Humphrey Bogart, who's gangster lingo will either make you giggle or cringe but either way is gonna seriously confuse you. Bogart plays tough-guy Gloves (that should be a warning) Donahue, a kind of comically harmless gangster type who although he can talk the talk and walk the walk, and threaten waiters, still takes care of his Aunt-Bea-esque Irish mother and buys the cheesecake from his friend, kindly-old German man who's name is unimportant. And who, subsequently, gets knocked off by Peter Lorre, a Nazi in league with a group of fifth-columnists (that means Nazi, I didn't know that) that are out to wreak havoc on native New York. The trail eventually leads to the beautiful but R-labialization-prone nightclub singer Leda Hamilton, played by the beautiful Mrs. Kawwen Vewn. Look, I know it's not nice make fun of people, but how can they seriously expect me not to crack up in the end when she looks at the camera, no shame, and says "I feel a little like the pwincess who been wescued fwom the dwagon by the white knight." Besides, I just found out she's Peter Lorre's wife. Kawwen Lowwe! This non-vindictiveness thing is getting harder and harder.

But moving on, we get Humphrey Bogart impersonating a Nazi, Phil Silvers and Jackie Gleason impersonating gangsters, and a mish-mosh of semi-climatic scenes and lots of dead-end kids style lingo impersonating a movie. The villain is played by the wonderfully cold Conrad Viedt (the super-bad Nazi guy from "Casablanca") who, ironically, is like the only German actor in the movie that played a Nazi and wasn't actually Jewish.

The movie is...cute, cute because it tries so hard to be cool. All the characters talk fondly of their days in the Bronx and in reform school (cause' apparently everybody in New York went to reform school at some time or other) and talk so much crazy Brooklynese you need a gangster to English dictionary to decipher it all. "A what?" you say. A gangster to English dictionary, and I'm giving one out free right here. This is a collection of common gangster words and phrases translated in to regular old snobbish English, so if you ever get transported back to the thirties and forties and find yourself on the streets of Brooklyn, your totally covered.

-Guide for da average joik

"Serve you with a blackout." ----------- "I shall make you unconscious."

"We catch them with their panzers down" ---- "We defeat them using the element of surprise."

"Five grand on the snoz. ----"I am betting five thousand dollars on the previously stated party."

"Paid quite a load a' scratch for it." --------- "Purchased with a significant amount of money."

"Got a date with the hot-seat." ---------- "Is wanted for murder."

"Got me figured all wrong." ---------- "You have wrongly interpreted my intentions."

"Makes us look like little bo peep." ---------- "Significantly dwarfed our lawlessness."

"Used your joint to do their finagling in." --------- "They utilized your property for nefarious deeds."

"Some place across da drink." --------- "A location beyond the Atlantic ocean."

"Spill it to the cops." ---------- "Disclose the information to the authorities."

"No soap." --------- "But naught."

"Those babies are strictly no good from way down deep." -------- "This group of individuals is wicked to the soul."

"The first one of dem' babies I tag I'm gonna kick em' in da swastika." -------- "To the first human being I overpower, I will deliver a blow to the posterior."

"Somebody yanked him." --------- "He was abducted by an unknown person."

I swear every one of those is from the movie. I just went through at complete random, it was that bad. But anyway, and whether or not you decide that's actually amusing, this post has gone way too long. I want to direct you to something that's actually funny before I leave. You've probably heard me talk about the Marx brothers. Not on here, yet, but on facebook and stuff, and you probably know that in a few days when I find my blogging 'feet' again, your gonna get a heck of a lot of Marx brothers stuff. I want you to have a good introduction. On the "reviews" section of "Night In Casablanca" which is on the Netflix instant, someone posted a link to some letters by Groucho Marx. These letters were written to Warner Brothers after they sent a warning notice about the title of "Night in Casablanca", saying it was too similar to "Casablanca" and threatening legal action if it wasn't changed. This letter was sent in response, and is now enshrined in the Smithsonian museum. If this doesn't give you an idea of what your up against with the Marx brothers, nothing can.

So to conclude, I'm back, and unless I get really lazy, I'm gonna stay that way. Except that I am really lazy. So this conclusion was really un-helpful. Sorry.

P.S. I didn't mention God in this post. That's bad. I'm sorry God, you are good. No sarcasm intended. I feel better now. Sentence fragments are fun. I tend to end these things with an apology a lot. Huh.

P.P.S. So I look for Karren Verne pictures and this comes up. This is not even fair. This is Peter Lorre absolutely getting squashed by his wife who's ten-times his size, and I'm not supposed to say anything about it. Forget being nice, I'll risk the zombie attack. >insert uncontainable evil cackling<


Christina said...

I chuckled through this one! And I have to say (at the risk of being outed) that Peter Lorre is not near as unattractive as you make him out to be. Scary, yes... but not terribly ugly. ;-)

VWbugnut said...

Well mom. I have no idea how to respond to that. Maybe your right. Maybe your crazy. In fact, I'm almost entirely sure that either me or you are mentally unsound.

This is a serious blow to everything I call reality. I don't know how I'm going to able to watch Arsenic and Old Lace without getting cripplingly ill. I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at that picture of him and Karren Verne without imagining you there instead of her. I can only hope that when the X-rays of your brain come back they can find whatever is wrong and correct it immediately.

I'm going to crawl under my covers now. Please don't come looking for me, I will only scream and run from you in terror.

Christina said...

Hmmm.... I didn't say I thought he was good looking, I just don't think he is quite as ugly as you make him out to be. That's all... no need to hide. His sharp features kind of remind me of your dad... who I think is adorable! :-)

VWbugnut said...

I feel like Luke..."I am your father...come to the dark side..." Only with Peter Lorre's voice. My gosh. What if Dad's related to him through our German ancestry...I will never, ever feel safe again...