Me N' Ebert

I have decided firmly that I have an enemy. That enemy is Roger Ebert. Let me explain.

So I'm on Netflix.com, I'm shirking doing my speech and I'm looking at this old movie I liked as a child, "The Borrowers" since the kids have been watching so much of "The Littles", you see the relevance. I click on "Reviews" and accidentally hit "Critic Reviews" and there is Roger again. "Good Lord! That man is everywhere!" but I click the link anyway, and read his review which is about as helpful as if I had said "There is this movie about people and they are small." Then I look at his review of the Muppet Movie. Then his review of Muppets Take Manhattan. Then Space Jam. Then Loony Tunes: Back in Action. And I have come to this conclusion; me and Roger Ebert are psychological opposites. If you put the two of us in a room together I think the universe would implode.
Ebert believes the Muppet Movie is good but nowhere near Who Framed Roger Rabbit. He compares it to getting to see the origins of Spider Man. He believes Kermit's character only really comes into his own in Muppet's Take Manhattan. (?!) Then things get worse. He calls Space Jam "...a happy marriage of good ideas..." I just about passed out "Dear GOD..." I thought "This man liked Space Jam and he is not in an asylum..." No, he is not. He is being payed out the wazoo to review movies while I am an unknown. And look, I know what you might be thinking- You didn't see Space Jam. Maybe you remember that it sold really well in the 90's. I read that. I'm willing to face the possibility that the population at large once thought it a decent film. All I'm asking is that if you think that, go and watch it. Right now. If it doesn't make you want to commit suicide in a violent way, tell me, and I will immediately seek help for my seriously delusional fantasy about what is obviously a remarkable movie.
Not only does he believe...that to be...you know...not...terrible, in his review of Looney Tunes: Back in Action he supports the uneducated view that Daffy Duck is the best looney Tunes character and Bugs Bunny would be nothing without him. I would love to argue this theory out with him in an informed adult way, but due to my lack of maturity I'm sure I would end up just whacking at him with a large blunt object until I forced him to take back what he said, because honestly and truly, Bugs Bunny rocks. Daffy is no where close. Seriously.
So now I'm forced to ask the question; what exactly makes a good reviewer? I mean really, if I wanted to be the next Roger Ebert (not that I do), what would I need to get good at? Is it based on recommendation? If I say "go watch this" and people do and the majority of them enjoy it, does that make me a good reviewer? Or vise-versa? Or is it maybe based on my ability to sell the film? If I write a review that makes you go "Oh my goodness! I have got to see this Space Jam film! It sounds awesome!!" is that it? Or...vise-versa? Or maybe the inevitable conclusion is that movie reviewing is really and honestly the easiest job in the universe because it doesn't actually matter a flyin' flip what you write about films? Gee. This could get real depressing and philosophical real fast.

But I ain't gonna go there. I know I'm nowhere near reviewing blockbusters from an office in New York or having my T.V. show and book, but look Ebert, I'm tellin' ya now- watch out. I am not discouraged. I am both younger, nicer, better looking, (but seriously, does he not look like a flesh-and-blood caricature of Carl Frederickson from UP?) And if you say one snide thing about Porky Pig, I'm comin' after ya man. No joke.








So that's what I've got for today. A slight cold, gloomy weather and too many episodes of "The Littles" have put me in a jealous, violent mood. Speaking of violence and the Littles, I want you to meet someone;

This is Dinky. Ruby had a dream about him and I have been continually taunting her with him all week. Although it has been one of the funniest things ever, it has made me realize a malicious, unstoppably evil side to myself I never knew was there. So I'm making the public announcement now that I'm going to stop before I end up searching the globe for someone who looks and sounds exactly like him (poor dope), acquiring a marriage license, fanangling Ruby into a wedding dress and forcing them both to an alter. A week ago I would have put it past myself.

And yes, before someone asks I do plan to review another movie. This time I think I'm going to try one of the popular (in the 1930's) comedies "The Dead End Kids" about a bunch of kids with goofy names like "Mugsy" and "Slick" who all talk like Bugs Bunny growing up on the streets of New York.


P.S. Well look, Ebert has been making fun of people for years, can't I just have a couple laughs before he kicks the bucket?'


P.P.S. If I rent "The Borrowers", it to will be reviewed. A million promises.

You Are IMMEDIATELY Drawn To Read This Post!!

Ok.

No, really, OK. I get it. The vid wasn't as funny to you as I thought it was, and left you thinking; "Man, she's weird. Should I say that in my comment? Be honest? Maybe I should add a 'lol' to help it go down easier. Maybe I should pretend to have liked it? Wouldn't that be dishonest?!" And obviously you came to the un-original conclusion that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Leaving me huddled over my computer like Gollum with the ring, eyes wide and bloodshot, drool pouring out of my mouth, waiting with baited breath for someone to comment. (By-the-way Papa, thank you for that un-helpful remark about Porky's lack of pants. Of course Porky doesn't wear pants! How many pigs a day do you see wearing pants?! And were would he buy them anyway? Sheesh!) So.... I digress from trying to force nerdy Looney Tunes humor upon you. But not the Muppets. I will never stop forcing them upon you. Never.

So I have a question for you. Why are you one of the only few human beings among millions who reads this blog? I'm not being vain. I'm not saying that I can't see why people don't. I just want to know, what would other people like to read? What draws you to blogs that your daughter/grandchild/niece isn't forcing you to read under penalty of emotional breakdown? And even more-so, what do you like about this blog? What would you like to see more of? Less of?
(It had better not be Porky Pig)

But for now, I'll give you a few updates. My cousin read my blog! Hi Abby! No that's not the only one, but still, exciting.

Yesterday I received both my Porky Pig tee-shirt and my new lunchbox (which I maybe didn't tell you about, my bad). Let me explain something. This is what the picture on ebay looked like;








And the add read; "Hallmark 2004 Lunch Wagon for Porky Pig Lunchbox"

I am not blond. I was at one point, but I'm not any more. Nor am I under the belief that blonds are any stupider than all the other hair-colors in the world. It LOOKS like a lunchbox, darn it!

But it's not. Its a Hallmark ornament. Going back and reading the add, I don't think they explicitly said that. But after all, since when does Hallmark manufacture lunchboxes? It was an enjoyable surprise yesterday afternoon. Not.

Past that the updates get sketchy and kind of "maybe"-ish. I may be taking my test to get my driver's permit soon. I may be buying a replacement lunchbox, and I may just go insane if someone doesn't suggest a good movie for me to review. Since it's been all Looney Tunes, Looney Tunes, Looney Tunes these past few weeks. (Enjoyably so, it is heartening to know that there is actually something on this earth that Naomi, Esther, Mom, Dad and the rest of us girls will all watch together and nobody has a problem with it. That's just awesome.) I really wish there was some other Looney Tunes-related movie I could rent, but since there isn't, I'm open to all suggestions.

And speaking of updates and movies, ever been reading my blog and been like; "The Moppets...she's mentioned them at least seven times in this post...oh, right- the Muppets! Yeah! wonder when there gonna come out with a new movie..." Well it's scheduled to come out this Thanksgiving. They said Christmas, 2010 before...as if! Oh well, dream big. And on the loonier side of things, the latest development is that there's a newer, revamped looney tunes show schedualed to air on Cartoon Network sometime soon. I saw the "re-designed" character sketches and frankly, the more I look at them the more I hate them;








But that's really not the important part, is it? And besides, Porky is still cute.

Now imagine a really fat guy, and I mean obscenely gimongously huge, eying a limbo stick that's almost touching the ground.
Yeah.
His chances are about as high as my hopes for this show workin' out are.

So thanks for a listen people, and I think your all the coolest thing since Peebles. Now I'm gonna go hunt for my lost MP3 player.

Shhh....Be vewy, vewy quiet, I'm hunting technowogy! Heh heh heh heh heh!

P.S. This post is to long a belated for a P.S. Sorry.

P.P.S. But you may have a P.P.S.! Just remember the questions I asked you- and start thinking of some good movies!!!