Me N' Ebert

I have decided firmly that I have an enemy. That enemy is Roger Ebert. Let me explain.

So I'm on Netflix.com, I'm shirking doing my speech and I'm looking at this old movie I liked as a child, "The Borrowers" since the kids have been watching so much of "The Littles", you see the relevance. I click on "Reviews" and accidentally hit "Critic Reviews" and there is Roger again. "Good Lord! That man is everywhere!" but I click the link anyway, and read his review which is about as helpful as if I had said "There is this movie about people and they are small." Then I look at his review of the Muppet Movie. Then his review of Muppets Take Manhattan. Then Space Jam. Then Loony Tunes: Back in Action. And I have come to this conclusion; me and Roger Ebert are psychological opposites. If you put the two of us in a room together I think the universe would implode.
Ebert believes the Muppet Movie is good but nowhere near Who Framed Roger Rabbit. He compares it to getting to see the origins of Spider Man. He believes Kermit's character only really comes into his own in Muppet's Take Manhattan. (?!) Then things get worse. He calls Space Jam "...a happy marriage of good ideas..." I just about passed out "Dear GOD..." I thought "This man liked Space Jam and he is not in an asylum..." No, he is not. He is being payed out the wazoo to review movies while I am an unknown. And look, I know what you might be thinking- You didn't see Space Jam. Maybe you remember that it sold really well in the 90's. I read that. I'm willing to face the possibility that the population at large once thought it a decent film. All I'm asking is that if you think that, go and watch it. Right now. If it doesn't make you want to commit suicide in a violent way, tell me, and I will immediately seek help for my seriously delusional fantasy about what is obviously a remarkable movie.
Not only does he believe...that to be...you know...not...terrible, in his review of Looney Tunes: Back in Action he supports the uneducated view that Daffy Duck is the best looney Tunes character and Bugs Bunny would be nothing without him. I would love to argue this theory out with him in an informed adult way, but due to my lack of maturity I'm sure I would end up just whacking at him with a large blunt object until I forced him to take back what he said, because honestly and truly, Bugs Bunny rocks. Daffy is no where close. Seriously.
So now I'm forced to ask the question; what exactly makes a good reviewer? I mean really, if I wanted to be the next Roger Ebert (not that I do), what would I need to get good at? Is it based on recommendation? If I say "go watch this" and people do and the majority of them enjoy it, does that make me a good reviewer? Or vise-versa? Or is it maybe based on my ability to sell the film? If I write a review that makes you go "Oh my goodness! I have got to see this Space Jam film! It sounds awesome!!" is that it? Or...vise-versa? Or maybe the inevitable conclusion is that movie reviewing is really and honestly the easiest job in the universe because it doesn't actually matter a flyin' flip what you write about films? Gee. This could get real depressing and philosophical real fast.

But I ain't gonna go there. I know I'm nowhere near reviewing blockbusters from an office in New York or having my T.V. show and book, but look Ebert, I'm tellin' ya now- watch out. I am not discouraged. I am both younger, nicer, better looking, (but seriously, does he not look like a flesh-and-blood caricature of Carl Frederickson from UP?) And if you say one snide thing about Porky Pig, I'm comin' after ya man. No joke.








So that's what I've got for today. A slight cold, gloomy weather and too many episodes of "The Littles" have put me in a jealous, violent mood. Speaking of violence and the Littles, I want you to meet someone;

This is Dinky. Ruby had a dream about him and I have been continually taunting her with him all week. Although it has been one of the funniest things ever, it has made me realize a malicious, unstoppably evil side to myself I never knew was there. So I'm making the public announcement now that I'm going to stop before I end up searching the globe for someone who looks and sounds exactly like him (poor dope), acquiring a marriage license, fanangling Ruby into a wedding dress and forcing them both to an alter. A week ago I would have put it past myself.

And yes, before someone asks I do plan to review another movie. This time I think I'm going to try one of the popular (in the 1930's) comedies "The Dead End Kids" about a bunch of kids with goofy names like "Mugsy" and "Slick" who all talk like Bugs Bunny growing up on the streets of New York.


P.S. Well look, Ebert has been making fun of people for years, can't I just have a couple laughs before he kicks the bucket?'


P.P.S. If I rent "The Borrowers", it to will be reviewed. A million promises.

One Saturday Morning

The title means something, but since this post is not limited to that something, I feel it my duty to say that since I'm writing this on a Saturday, I just felt it appropriate.

It's one of those rainy, stay at home Saturdays, In which you either mope around all day or watch Star Wars. You may not believe that the choices are that limited, but they are. Trust me. If your not watching Star Wars right now, your moping, and that's why your on your computer. Be in denial all you want.

For me however, I choose to watch Star Wars with popcorn on my knee and my Dad and Mom and sisters and a cozy blanket. In a minute. Right now I'm gonna blog, and I'm gonna blog about television, because if there's one thing rainy Saturday mornings makes me think of, it's television.

This might be what you call a "trip down memory lane" post, but really since I'm fifteen there's not much of a memory lane to stroll down. It's just that the other night me and Ruby were talking about what shows we liked to watch as children, which led me to remember what T.V. used to be like for me as a kid in the late 1990's. Although it's really a cozy 'those were the good old days' subject for me to talk about, the only time I can remember watching T.V. was by myself. I never made a special point to watch any particular show, and there was no kind of "family telly time" in our household. In fact, until I was about 8 or 9 years old, I don't even think we owned a television that got most of the common cable channels, hence my consistent reference to things like "The Muppet Movie" and "The Brave Little Toaster" as being the fond reminiscences of my childhood. But there was one place where I could catch the best of the 1990's in syndication. At my grandparent's house. As a special addition to all the fun therein, I was allowed to sit for 24 hours straight if I pleased and catch up on anything I had missed. And man, they had cable.

While it sounds like I'm referring to the earlier half of my kid-hood (after all, in 1999 I was only four years old) actually, I doubt that any of these things would have held my interest.....since they weren't Barney....until I was a bit older. But still, Wikipedia tells me I'm not wrong in my time placement so, perhaps I underestimated my love for things outside of big smiley purple dinosaurs. There is one show that I know for sure I loved with a fiery fervency that Barney would have turned and ran in the face of- The Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo Show. Man. Beyond God, my immediate family and perhaps a few select brands of candy I doubt there was anything I cared more about. It was my number one topic of conversation for new friends, the number one choice of game for my young cousin when she was with me, it was the thing I lived for when I was at Nina and Papa's house on those fondly-remembered weekends away. Scooby Doo still captivates my sisters in a way that baffles me. The show is no funnier than any other average cartoon of the late 60's (the Jetsons, the Flintstones, etc.), no scarier than the Wizard of Oz. Not to mention that the main character is a gluttonous coward. But as strange as it is, who am I to say anything? I too was captivated. Which leads me to the first of what I remember about childhood T.V. - Cartoon Network used to rock.

When I was kid they not only showed Scooby Doo marathons on the weekend (as if we needed more) As part of their 'Boomerang' lineup, you could catch old stuff like the Jetsons, the Flinstones, Underdog, The Pink Panther, Yogi Bear (which I never liked) and one of those slightly more fondly remembered shows, Baby Looney Tunes.

When I say 'fondly remembered' it deserves explanation. Unlike the previously mentioned cartoons, until recently I hadn't even recalled beyond the fact that there was a Baby Looney Tunes. Until recently when I was out of new shows that kept all the kids happy while I was babysitting, when the kids were all hyped-up on Loony Tunes and when I couldn't bear to watch another episode of 'Duck Dodgers' which I don't even have the courage to ridicule in this. It was then that I remembered Baby Looney Tunes. Baby Looney Tunes, the premise of which is almost a carbon copy of the freaky 1980's weirdness Muppet Babies; A select group of the original characters, in this case Bugs Bunny, Lola Bunny (whom I have a weird memory of wanting to sound like as a kid) Taz, Tweety, Sylvester and of course Daffy Duck, live together in a large house as diapered, personality-less infants. Poorly supervised by an elderly woman, in this case, Granny from all the Tweety/Sylvester cartoons. The only difference is that while Muppet Babies is crazy, chaotic mess of live-action backgrounds and romping cheap animation coupled with grating voices and obnoxious rock numbers, Baby Looney Tunes is a sweet, honey-toned, put-you-to-sleep kid's show that's actually for kids. A tad bit ironic, since putting the originals side-by-side it's easy to see which is the Loonier of the two. Just as in Muppet Babies the concept makes little to no sense whatsoever, (if they all grew up together, why is Bugs the only one with a Brooklyn accent?) but then again, their fictional, so that's the way it works. Besides, according to my three little sisters who will be running away from bedtime and screaming bloody murder one minute an drooling helplessly as I put them in bed (because their watching the show- not because I bludgeoned them) it's still just as entertaining as it was for me as a child. And putting it on that one night for them, hearing the theme music for the first time in like ten years was really a trip down memory lane.

Disney Channel used to rock too, and I say that with all the dead-seriousness of someone you couldn't pay to watch five minutes of it now-a-days. When I was little, weekends at Nina and Papa's meant you could catch Disney's ultra-cool "One Saturday Morning" show, which featured among other things Doug, Pepper Anne, Recess, and Hercules. And although I think of these all now with at least some inkling of fondness, the only one I recall actually enjoying to a great extent was the then-dazzling, oh-so-Disney "House of Mouse."

Basically the only thing that made it cool was was the fact that just about every character that was ever in a Disney movie was featured in the theme song and in various "guest spots" throughout the show. The actual plots centered around Mickey Mouse, who was Emcee, and Donald (I forget what his job was but he was scary) and their respective girl-friends. And Goofy. All the episodes featured a musical number and one or two old cartoons.

So there is your brief overview of the many, many things a kid like me could watch on T.V. And although I can remember these with a fond smile, I like to imagine my parents and grandparents gagging at the various names with a look of "Oh, I remember." Due to lack of writing skills at the current moment, I'm forced to bring the post to an in-dignified close this way. Its storming again, The Littles is on (Lord help us) and Mom and Dad should be home soon with dinner. Hopefully the power won't go out and we'll be able to stay up and watch an MST3K. There is your update.

As you can probably tell, the shows I've mentioned here are certainly not the only things I've ever watched or enjoyed on television. That is a different story entirely. This was just my way of looking back and summing up what I remember about T.V. as a kid. Thanks for a listen!


P.S. I got a new cell phone! And gee I wish there was a funny or snappy way to say that, but since there really isn't, I reiterate; I got a new cell phone!


P.P.S. Now here is the fun part! Without making this sound like a chain email, I want you to comment and tell me what shows you watched as a kid, which ones you liked and what you remember about them. Thanks again!!

Question: Who The Heck Is James Cagney? Answer: A Great Guy

If you know a lot about James Cagney's personal life and the title just made you snicker, don't correct me; it's a pun. A clever play on words. I have no idea whether Cagney was a moral person or not. End of disclaimer.

Sigh. Why did I have to make that typo just there? Why couldn't I have misspelled "and" in the middle of a sentence that was so compelling it didn't matter? Why, for that matter, didn't I see it when I proof read? I'm talking about when I spelled "lost" "lot", thereby ruining my joke about Elmer Fudd and my missing MP3. No, don't bother- I fixed it already. But still, I think it killed the whole post. Yes, I'm a tad bit depressed right now. And not about the end of the world for once. These past, like, three days my psyche has been going through one of those "teenager-plus-emotional turmoil-plus-little exposure to peers-equals-excessive need for love and acceptance" periods. I'm all "you don't really like me, do you? You just think I'm annoying and embarrassing and you hate me and the way I talk all the time and my blog and you think Porky Pig is gross." And I'm sure everyone, I know Mom, is loving it. So anyway......if I sound like I'm gold-digging for complements...I am. But don't feel obligated. Dang, there I go again.

I would like to thank all of you for your great big whopping-dollops of suggestions as to my next film to review. As sir Arthur Conan Doyle once said; "Having indicated an armchair to me and placed my refreshment near it, he handed me a long smooth Havana." I have no idea why he said that but since I just pulled it out of "The Lost World" I'm assuming it has something to do with context. The main idea you all gave, of course, was old movies. I am a little surprised, and I'll tell you why. Because I know you want to know.

First of all, I always sort of expected people would want to know how good newer movies are. Like the ones that you still see commercials for, not the ones that show on TCM on "Peter Seller's Saturday" or something to the effect. But I guess I was wrong. Hey, I'm lovin' it! I watch way more oldies then I do...newbies...! I would have started reviewing years ago if I'd known that! I guess if your looking for something to rent you don't care how old it is, just how good it is. Second, older movies are ten times more likely to be- A. Seen and reviewed by professional critics (that darn Roger Ebert!) or B. Seen by you already. But hey, who cares if you've seen it? Oldies are goodies I always say.

Except in the case of eggs. And milk. And just about all other perishable food items.

So last night I took the plunge, got on retrovision (a good sight for watching classic films) and looked by actor. I decided on James Cagney, a famous movie star of the 1920's, 30's and 40's who played in a lot of gangster films, probably due to the fact that frankly, he's a scary lookin' little dude;







But nobody's perfect, right?


I've heard him mentioned innumerable (that's a fun word) places, including from Papa, Dad, in popular culture (as in, the culture of the 30's, 40's and 50's that Ive heard or seen). And he is mentioned in the Mel Blanc book, where the latter compares him to Bug's Bunny's...uhm...New-York-edd-ness. Again, context.

Anyway, the movie we ended up watching was a thirties thriller called "The Great Guy", hence the title. It's what you might call a crime-drama/thriller/you'd-better-pay-attention-or-you-won't-get-anything film. Jimmy surprised me. My first reaction was "Hey, he's not handsome!" (based on the very 21'st century idea that all movie stars must be as cute as Zach Efron at least. And I don't even think he's that good lookin'. Kinda looks beefy to me. But whatever.) But about ten minutes in, he sort of grows on you. He's strong headed, according to wikipedia and his reputation as an actor, and he always plays strong-headed characters. And he does it well. Scary as he looks, his ability to play an impulsive, determined man trying to do...whatever he's trying to do...is even scarier.

But enough about him. The movie is about a man who investigates weight frauds in grocery stores, as in, when you buy a chicken for a certain price and it ends up being a lot smaller than what you originally paid for. Because there was a weight in the chicken. It doesn't sound very exciting, but the man-I forget his name but I swear I was paying attention- is subjected to bribes, beatings, scandals, lawsuits, etc. to get him to stop, and since he continues to do the right thing, it makes him a great guy.

Recommendation? It totally depends. Do you like old movies? Do you like crime movies? Could you watch Dragnet without having an heart-attack waiting for the action to begin? Do you like Jimmy Cagney? If you answered yes to all of those, this movie is probably right for you. I, on the other hand, have always been far more geared towards comedy than...basically any other form of entertainment. If something isn't funny I have a hard time watching it twice. But that's a trait I'm striving to get over, so don't let my narrow-mindedness keep you from watching a great film about a great guy.

P.S. If your like me, and you love funny things (but you want some Humphrey Bogart in the mix) I suggest you watch this; Looney Tunes; 8 Ball Bunny.

I am at least counting on you, Papa, to tell me what the heck the Bogart cameo means."Ooohh!! I'm Dyyyiiinnn'!!"

P.P.S. I really need to scoot since Mom wants me to do...shudder...math. And to think that in three years I will be out of the house, and she wants to waste our last days together doing school. Pity. I watched another oldey last night called "Palooka" with Jimmy Cagney's younger brother and Jimmy Durante, the latter of whome you may know from the ubiquitouse expression; "I got a million of em! Ha-cha-cha!"

You Are IMMEDIATELY Drawn To Read This Post!!

Ok.

No, really, OK. I get it. The vid wasn't as funny to you as I thought it was, and left you thinking; "Man, she's weird. Should I say that in my comment? Be honest? Maybe I should add a 'lol' to help it go down easier. Maybe I should pretend to have liked it? Wouldn't that be dishonest?!" And obviously you came to the un-original conclusion that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Leaving me huddled over my computer like Gollum with the ring, eyes wide and bloodshot, drool pouring out of my mouth, waiting with baited breath for someone to comment. (By-the-way Papa, thank you for that un-helpful remark about Porky's lack of pants. Of course Porky doesn't wear pants! How many pigs a day do you see wearing pants?! And were would he buy them anyway? Sheesh!) So.... I digress from trying to force nerdy Looney Tunes humor upon you. But not the Muppets. I will never stop forcing them upon you. Never.

So I have a question for you. Why are you one of the only few human beings among millions who reads this blog? I'm not being vain. I'm not saying that I can't see why people don't. I just want to know, what would other people like to read? What draws you to blogs that your daughter/grandchild/niece isn't forcing you to read under penalty of emotional breakdown? And even more-so, what do you like about this blog? What would you like to see more of? Less of?
(It had better not be Porky Pig)

But for now, I'll give you a few updates. My cousin read my blog! Hi Abby! No that's not the only one, but still, exciting.

Yesterday I received both my Porky Pig tee-shirt and my new lunchbox (which I maybe didn't tell you about, my bad). Let me explain something. This is what the picture on ebay looked like;








And the add read; "Hallmark 2004 Lunch Wagon for Porky Pig Lunchbox"

I am not blond. I was at one point, but I'm not any more. Nor am I under the belief that blonds are any stupider than all the other hair-colors in the world. It LOOKS like a lunchbox, darn it!

But it's not. Its a Hallmark ornament. Going back and reading the add, I don't think they explicitly said that. But after all, since when does Hallmark manufacture lunchboxes? It was an enjoyable surprise yesterday afternoon. Not.

Past that the updates get sketchy and kind of "maybe"-ish. I may be taking my test to get my driver's permit soon. I may be buying a replacement lunchbox, and I may just go insane if someone doesn't suggest a good movie for me to review. Since it's been all Looney Tunes, Looney Tunes, Looney Tunes these past few weeks. (Enjoyably so, it is heartening to know that there is actually something on this earth that Naomi, Esther, Mom, Dad and the rest of us girls will all watch together and nobody has a problem with it. That's just awesome.) I really wish there was some other Looney Tunes-related movie I could rent, but since there isn't, I'm open to all suggestions.

And speaking of updates and movies, ever been reading my blog and been like; "The Moppets...she's mentioned them at least seven times in this post...oh, right- the Muppets! Yeah! wonder when there gonna come out with a new movie..." Well it's scheduled to come out this Thanksgiving. They said Christmas, 2010 before...as if! Oh well, dream big. And on the loonier side of things, the latest development is that there's a newer, revamped looney tunes show schedualed to air on Cartoon Network sometime soon. I saw the "re-designed" character sketches and frankly, the more I look at them the more I hate them;








But that's really not the important part, is it? And besides, Porky is still cute.

Now imagine a really fat guy, and I mean obscenely gimongously huge, eying a limbo stick that's almost touching the ground.
Yeah.
His chances are about as high as my hopes for this show workin' out are.

So thanks for a listen people, and I think your all the coolest thing since Peebles. Now I'm gonna go hunt for my lost MP3 player.

Shhh....Be vewy, vewy quiet, I'm hunting technowogy! Heh heh heh heh heh!

P.S. This post is to long a belated for a P.S. Sorry.

P.P.S. But you may have a P.P.S.! Just remember the questions I asked you- and start thinking of some good movies!!!

Cartoon Network Groovies - "Pork Jam"

Desthpicable Me- A Non Professional's Review

Yes, I so absolutely meant to spell it like that. It's Daffy Duck. Get it? "Your Desthpicable!!"

I believe that all good reviews should begin with a joke, so-

There you go.

It is one of those days, and no, not one of those days when you feel like you are Wile. E Coyote and the whole world is against you, one of those days when your sick. Yes, but don't feel sorry for me, I'm only minorly sick, save your feeling sorry for Mom, who is forced to slave away for me all day on that excuse.

But enough filler, was that video funny? If you don't know what I'm talking about, go and watch it first. It's my test. If you do not like that video, then you do not need to watch "Despicable Me"...your already living it.

After my depressing review of "What Set Up Pronoun Hair" and my enjoyable read but depressing watch of "Cosmos Rock" (tee hee, thesaurus again) I am ready and willing to review a movie that I really liked. And I really liked "Despicable Me".

The plot of the movie is pretty simple; Typecast villain Gru (voiced by Steve Carell, waxing a quasi-Russian dialect) hatches a plan to steal the moon, earning him the title of greatest super-villain, plus the approval of his mother (an un-recognizable Julie Andrews). However, in order to foil his arch-nemesis, he adopts three adorable orphans...and the rest is...pretty predictable.
But predictable is not always bad, as is the case here. Sure, the basic "Greedy, self-centered villain's heart is changed by three adorable children" formula has been used before (look back into your childhoods people, I'm talking about "Ducktales"...or maybe "Annie", whatever floats your boat) But it's still as heart-warming and funny as ever. And three little girl's good and bad points are (take it from me and parent's personal experience) pretty darn accurate. Plus Steve Carrell's Boris Badenov impression made the whole thing worth while. Oh yes, and the minions. Normally it bothers me when something is made so irresistibly cute and funny that it seems like a marketing ploy, but the minions were funny, and didn't get enough screen time to be annoying, so everyone lived happily ever after.

All-in-all, even though I haven't said so thus far, I highly recommend this movie for the whole family. It's one of those "Laugh, darn you, laugh!" films that you can't possibly sit through without at least giggling. Clean for the entire family, way more heartwarming then "Ducktales" ever was....but the theme song isn't near as snappy.


P.S. Take that Roger Ebert!! I have reviewed two of your movies! Ha ha Oldie! No, but seriously, I'm going to post a porky Pig video on here soon. If you do not laugh at it a little robot will come into house and suck your brain out while you sleep. If you even have one.

P.P.S. "Ducktales, Woo-oo!!!" Sorry, I couldn't resist. I don't know why the Looney Tunes picture. It just seemed to fit. Porky Pig. You understand.

Cartoon Network Groovies - "Mars Forever"